Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I think I've hit an all time low in my life and I really feel like someone should just kill me in my sleep tonight. I don't know how I'm going to face tomorrow and the whole world anymore.
I started working at The Natural Source, Midvalley Mega Mall. While my colleagues speak of stupid boyfriends, dumb relationships and boys, I found it so hard to relate to them, and I have nothing to share with them when they invite me to sit down and converse. I listen, but it saddens me so much that I can't participate in their conversations. All I kept telling myself was it's okay, I'll find the right person one day, it's just not now.
A few days ago, a mis-aligned-teeth, small-eyed, couldn't-really-speak-English, pole-worthy guy approached me to ask me for my phone number. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY of all people? WHY?!?!?!?!
Stupidly I bought a weighing scale. I feel that I can barely fit most of my trousers now, and fuck it all, the weighing scale showed that I was 58kg yesterday, and today, I got home and weighed myself again after a very young boy, probably a fifth of my age, pointed at me and said 'fat cow'. Maybe it was because I had ice-cream in my hand, but that shouldn't be the reason why a kid would call me that. Even though I tried controlling what I ate, I now weigh 62kg.
I'm having a real crisis here and I don't know what to do. I'm getting heavier, I'm getting bigger, but all in the wrong places. I barely have anything on my chest to prove that I'm a girl, my thighs and waist are getting bigger as I can barely wear my jeans now - I feel like a stupid bowling pin and I don't feel like living anymore. I don't want to breathe, I don't want to open my eyes.
How I wish my heart would stop beating the moment I shut my eyes after I finish this post. There's nothing more than this that I really want to happen, right now.
11:21 PM Azzie's got style
