Wednesday, May 09, 2007
After my dinner tonight, while I was walking home with an ice-cream in my hand, I noticed the lady that was walking in front of me - her shoulder bones were sticking out, left and right (like some kind of seargant's shoulder pad thingies on their uniforms, only this is really the bones under her skin). At the back of her neck there were a few bumps, like the ones you see when you clench your fist - your knuckles kinda emerge). Her arms and legs look like... I don't know what they look like. It's like you take a few metal shower curtain rails, flatten it with a steam roller, and join them together (knees and elbows) with a ball of plasticin.
And what the hell was I thinking, when I said to myself, I'd kill to look like that. I wanna look like that.
I thought this, was ideal.
And it took me a long while to realise what I was doing, or saying. My ice-cream tasted bad all of a sudden - I didn't want to eat. I threw the half-eaten ice-cream, and when I arrived home, I stared at my own reflection. I hated the bulge I saw at my stomach area. I pinched my stomach and my own cheeks hoping they would deflate in an instant. I was also slapping my thighs and legs, wishing they were at least half the size in circumfrence from the size they are now.
I wanted to break the mirror. I wanted to scream in agony.
Of late I haven't been eating well. I would get up in the middle of the night to eat, so that I could go back to sleep, which is only an hour or two, before I get up and go through the process again. Snacks won't last two days in my house. My clothes are seriously getting tight and it's making me feel uncomfortable.
But I don't want to look like that. I think I'm ok, though I don't want my clothes to feel tight. I want to wear the same clothes! I love my clothes, that's the reason why I bought them.
But a couple of times thinking it over and it seems like having bones sticking out is a reassurance that I would fit in the clothes I want.
I've gone stupid.
11:56 PM Azzie's got style
