Saturday, January 06, 2007
Wow. This blog looks abandoned. LOL. Not really. I blame the poor internet connection, and my forever dying PC - note that I'm in Kuching now, my hometown.
Yes I'm back in Kuching. Lots have been happening and I'm quite sure a lot of people are unhappy with me. There are things that I have no control over, but I try. And this time around, I'll just have to try harder. My apologies to friends that I have let down.
These past few days have been really agonising. I don't know what goes on in my own head anymore. I know there are some things I should forget, but some things are just too hard to forget. Honestly, I've forgotten how it feels like to be truly happy, to feel carefree for a bit. I'd love to get myself involved in a relationship, but the people that sparks me has no interest in getting involved with me, and this has been a streak for the past couple of years - I feel like giving up altogether. It just saddens me that I can't seem to move on much from anything. Of late, exercise and food have become quite an issue for me too. A day without the gym is a day wasted, and eating has left me feeling nothing else but guilt as though I have committed a heavy crime or sin. I know I should eat but after I finish eating I would feel sad. Sad that I've filled up my stomach, sad that I'm going to gain weight. Sad that I can't be thinner. Sad that I can never seem to reach out to the person I want, and sad that I can't feel the excitement and thrills of life that I used to be able to. I keep buying make-up and accessories to decorate myself yet I'm lazy to apply any of them as I do not see what good it will do to me. I feel like I've walked on the surface of Earth for a very long time as nothing really surprises me anymore. Even if it does it is so short-lived that my emotions get dragged down so low that I end up crying my nights away. And with these thoughts and behaviour I just find it so hard to be among friends, because I know I will let them down. And I know, because my family is already having a hard time having to put up with it too.
Oh God. What should I do?
11:30 PM Azzie's got style
