Friday, August 18, 2006
Sometimes I just wonder what the hell am I doing here. What am I looking at, why am I encased in this 'body', why do I hate looking into the mirror, why do we have to eat, why is chocolate and ice-cream calling me all the time...
NO, I'm not suffering from that time of the month, I haven't been suffering from it for quite sometime now. Early menopause, whatever you want to call it, whatever goes. Some part of me is feeling disappointed and frustrated in life. I know I'm still on the path of discovery, but I can't help feeling just... disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for so many reasons. I fail in so many things I've attempted to do. I've shifted thoughts, goals and paths so many times. I've had so many betrayal of trust and backstabbing happen in my life that I feel it is so hard to commit to anything or anyone, afraid of going through the same thing again. It's just too painful to relive, and even though as the saying would go, "Once bitten, twice shy", unfortunately these things have happened to me countless of times. Things that I'm really eager to get ends up no more than an illusion, a dream. It ends up being a slap in the face. The stars are just too far out for me to reach.
And now I wonder, why I am in this body. Why is it that I'm looking at things from this point of view? Why am I here? What am I doing standing here? Why am I looking at the things I see? WHY WHY WHY? DAMMIT.
I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know why I am here. But I do know my parents brought me into this world. And I'll do whatever it is that makes them happy.
I can't feel the same way about the world what I feel for my parents and sisters (obviously). How can I say this... the world's pretty warped. Or maybe I'm warped.
I can feel myself slipping...
9:57 PM Azzie's got style
